The past few days have been probably one of the worst days of my life.Shifted to my Uncle's place on Fri night itself. Had trouble sleeping since there were 5 of us sharing one room with all the boxes filling up whatever space that is left in the room. The room was so stuffy and hot. All of us were depressed but we were trying to make the best out of the situation.
Things were not getting better on Sat. There were some mild arguments between my dad and my grandfather. Harsh words were exchanged between my sister, me, my mum and dad. I know i have said some harsh things to my mum these past few days out of frustration and i wish i could take it back. Im sorry Ma and i always love u.
My dad screwed me up for staying up awake till 4am,watching tv. I have always been sleeping late in my own house so why cant i stay awake now also? That was when reality hit me hard. Wadever is it, that is not my house and i cannot be the way i was at my own house. Basically, i dont have freedom in that house now because ITS NOT MY HOUSE.
There is no internet in that house.. no SCV.. basically we dont have a life there.. but wad choice do we have? Even though my parents dun say much to my sis and me, i know that they are very upset with the way things are and they are the ones who felt the greatest sense of loss when they handed over the house keys to the new owner.
Right now, all of us are praying so hard for the loan to be approved as soon as possible so that we can buy a house of our own soon.
The only thing that brings joy to my fucked up life right now is being with Raj. These past few days, i have been treasuring every minute that i have been spending with him because when i get home, its back to the square one where i get depressed and stressed all over again. He has been cheering me up, telling me again and again that everything will be ok. He is like my greatest strength right now to continue with life.
**I dont know what i would have done without u Kanagaraj and i just wanted to say that I Love U To Bits and Thanks for everything that you have done for me and have been doing for me so far**.
*I Love U*
9:23 PM
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Today was a pretty long day for me. Morning i got my ass out of my bed after my bf gave me a wake up call at 8 plus. I was supposed to meet Sivashanker at 9.30 at Jurong East to follow him to camp and then to the ICA building to do passport for him.Unfortunately, even after 60 missed calls, the cuckoo didnt wake up and i got tired of calling him and when back to sleep.
Woke up at arnd 11 plus.After that, i went to meet Haruna and gang at Woodlands and we both went to Jurong to meet Siva. Haruna was stoning arnd. Siva and I were disturbing each other. Hahaha
Haruna went off home from Bugis and Siva and me took bus to ICA. I got back at arnd 6 and by the time i got home, i was dead beat.
I didnt meet Raj today cos he was stuck at camp for duty. Haiz.
After so long, my whole family sat down and ate dinner together at the hall. As the day of shifting approaches, im getting more and more depressed. Even though i know that its for the best, im really gonna miss my home, very much.
* I Miss U Kanagaraj*
10:21 PM
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Raj,Me and Haruna at Pizza Hut
Every morning when i wake up, i start my day by seeing his msg or receiving his phone call. Today morning as usual, i got his msg to call him but when i tried calling, i cldnt get thru. Apparently, his line got disconnected. I got so worried for some reason. I know that he will definately call me but it was just some wierd feeling that i was going thru. I felt so restless and even though i was feeling so sleepy, i could not sleep. I was just stoning arnd my hse,staring at my phone, waiting for it to ring. And finally at abt 2 plus, he called.
I felt so happy and awake the minute i heard his voice. And suddenly, i felt like crying. Its like i missed him so much. Only after he called, i felt like myself again. Its only at that point i realised how much im gonna miss him or how lost im gonna feel if one day i wake up and he is not there..
After that, i met up wif Haruna, Rosey and Shaktee at RP. The other 2 left and me and Haruna went to Jurong to meet up wif Raj to eat at Pizza Hut. Only after we got there, we realised that Jurong Entertainment Centre was closed. And so we went to Lot 1 to eat there.
The service at Lot 1 Pizza Hut sucked big time. They got our orders wrong, everything got served late and apparently the so called cream of chicken soup had no chicken pieces in it.
But despite all that, it was fun having dinner together with my best fren and my boyfren. It was nice to see him getting along so well with my frens. I know that they like him alot and they are protective of him in a way.
Hoping that everything falls in place as the year begins..
11:55 PM
Monday, November 24, 2008
Ok so today have been abit of a busy and tiring day for me. My dad dismentalled my bed today. Have to slp on the floor for the next few days till we shift to my Uncle's place this Sat. Even though its gonna be pretty crampy over at his place till we get a new house, i can get to spend more time with my 2 baby cousins; Ashwin and Avinash. Man, they are growing up so fast. Its really a joy to watch children grow up.
Meanwhile, i met Raj today at Westmall just now. They were having some Christmas Sale. Really gotta start saving up for some Christmas shopping and bills settlement. Gonna start looking for job next week after the shifting is done. I have one of his baby pic's with me now. Omg he looks so cute!!! Hehehehe..
I probabaly shouldnt be broadcasting my BF's pics in my blog but i cant help it. He just looks soo cute. Haha.
Am so addicted to The DaVinci Code book right now. Hmm what if Christ's bloodline still exists till now? Really cant imagine. Its gonna cause a stir around the world.
We have so much more than I ever thought we would, I love you more than I ever thought I could.
I promise to give you all I have to give, I'll do anything for you as long as I live.
In your eyes I see our present, our future and past, By the way you look at me I know we will last.
I hope that one day you'll come to realize, How perfect you are when seen through my eyes.
I Love U Sweetheart
11:43 PM
Sunday, November 23, 2008
To love is to share life together to build special plans just for two to work side by side and then smile with pride as one by one, dreams all come true.
To love is to help and encourage with smiles and sincere words of praise to take time to share to listen and care in tender, affectionate ways.
To love is to have someone special one who you can always depend to be there through the years sharing laughter and tears as a partner, a lover, a friend.
To love is to make special memories of moments you love to recall of all the good things that sharing life brings love is the greatest of all.
I've learned the full meaning of sharing and caring and having my dreams all come true; I've learned the full meaning of being in love by being and loving with you.
He is like one of the most sweetest guys i have ever seen. I dont know if i will ever have a next life but im really glad and thankful that i met him in this lifetime. He were like a light that came to lit up my dark life. He doesnt mind if i drink or smoke or wad ever, as long as im happy, he is happy too. My happiness means alot more to him than his own happiness.. What more can i say to have a guy like this in my life?
I Love U Sweetheart and U mean the World to me
11:38 PM
Yesterday afternoon, Raj came over to my place. I was very nervous as this was the first time he was coming over to my place and he is probably the last person outside my family seeing my house as im shifting out next Sat.He found my mum pretty frendly and amusing and my dad quiet. My dad has always been a man of few words and my mum is the one who yaks alot and i take after my mum in that yakking area. Haha.
After that, he got a last minute invitation from Haruna and so we both went over to her place. It was soo fun in her hse. As usual, i did one of my clumsy acts by accidentally pouring the drink on the dining table cos i got distracted by Rosey who was busy calling me names. Haha. My bf jus gave me the ' U did it again' face and after that everyone was so worried to pass me the plate or the cups. So much of confidence in me. And ya Raj broadcasted my drunk blabbering recording to Shaktee, Rosey and Haruna. I swear when i find that recording in that phone Kanagaraj, im so gonna delete it.
Meanwhile, Sinna was msging and calling me to ask if he could meet me. He sounded so disappointed when i said i cant make it.He surprised me by waiting near my blk. I didnt expect him to be there waiting for the past half an hour. He has been wanting to see me and when i told him that i cant make it and that im in Haruna's place, he sounded so disappointed and said that no matter how long it takes, he will wait for me. In the end, he did wait and even bought me a brooch as a deepavali gift.. i was seriously at a loss of words..
When he had a chance to make things up to me, he wasted it. Now he wants me when my heart already belongs to someone else; when i wish to be with someone else; someone whom im madly in love with. I really dun understand that guy. He wants to make a comeback into my life when everything is already too late and i have already lost my heart to someone else.
Everyone in Haruna's hse officially knows that Raj is my bf, except her dad. Even her grandmum came and asked me if he was my husband and if we were married. I told her no and that we were like gf and bf but she took it that he was some sort like my husband. Haha.
We played some card games and Rosey was giving so much of mixed reactions and omg that was so funny. For once, she was like the joke of the day and not me.Muahahaha. My bf showed some card tricks to them and Rosey couldnt get it at all, even after 3 demos. Haha..she had the lost child look on her face. We got so carried away by the games and i only left her place arnd 11. Raj and I took a cab to my place and in the cab i cried for some reason. Everything is going so well between Raj and me and i was just so scared that something may go wrong between us. I wish i can tell him how much i love him at times but in the end, all i can say is that I love You. These 3 words says it all..
2:15 AM
Friday, November 21, 2008
This is the first pic of Raj and me. Even though i look like some lost child, haha, overall the pic turned out pretty well i guess. It was taken on our way back from temple. He was feeling very sick today and apparently he didnt tell me about it because he really wanted to accompany me to temple today. Only after the temple when we when to eat, he told my cousin that he was not feeling good and she had to tell me.
When i see the things he does for me, at times im just at a loss of words.I just wish to say that i am really lucky to have u in my life now. I love you Kanagaraj and this is a dedication for you.
When I'm with you,
eternity is a step away,
my love continues to grow,
with each passing day.
This treasure of love,
I cherish within my soul,
how much I love you...
you'll never really know.
You bring a joy to my heart,
I've never felt before,
with each touch of your hand,
I love you more and more.
Whenever we say goodbye,
whenever we part,
know I hold you dearly,
deep inside my heart.
So these seven words,
I pray you hold true,
"Forever And Always,
I Will Love You."
11:49 PM
Almost everyday there is something happening in my life right now. Yesterday i was suppose to meet up with Sivashanker to follow him to camp. After dragging my ass out of my bed at 9, i spent about 20 mins waking him up and after about 24 missed calls, he finally woke up. Due to some changes in plan, i went over to Woodlands to meet up with Haruna and gang while Siva made his way to RP. It was really fun with all of them and during lunch, Rosey got me a hot dog bun where the hot dog is extremely long and big..haha..ya i know.. So everyone there, esp the guys, had some comments about it. At abt 4 plus, Siva left and i accompanied him to the MRT station and halfway to the Mrt station, i ended up carrying his backpack for him. Such a bully la that fellow..haha..i had no idea that i miss him so much till i met him yesterday.. He is the kind of guy where i can open up to and talk to him about literally anything and not feel uncomfortable about it.. Not just me, everyone in the group is very comfortable with Siva and we actually can spend hours talking about anything..He is such a cute ass la..haha
After that, we dropped by Haruna's aunt place awhile. I was busy helping myself to the biscuits there and did i mention that she has a cute son but he has a very 'dont talk to me' face. So ya.. After that, i rushed over to Clementi to meet Raj. We were suppose to go to the Forest Walk but i forgot to take down the bus no to take so we ended up going to Mount Faber Park. This was my first time going there and it was a very long walk from Vivocity to the park. My legs were killing me but i tried myself not to whine as i didnt wanna spoil the moment and he really wanted to bring me there and i didnt wanna spoil that. But in the end, i started whining when i realised that even after walking for 20 mins, the park was not there yet. Finally after much walking and whining from me, we reached the park.
The park was very windy and there were some really beautuful houses along the way to the park. We sat down at one of those bench chairs and enjoyed the breeze that welcomed us. The view was pretty bad cos the trees were not trimmed yet so there was not much of a view to see and the chairs were placed at wierd places. But overall, the moment i spent with him was very sweet. After that, it got pretty late by the time we left the park, so i had to catch a cab and run home..
Even though everything seems pretty much happy and perfect now, some things are still disturbing me. I am shifting next Sat to my aunt place. As much as i dont wish to go there, i dont seem to have much of a choice right now. Jus praying that the loan get approved soon. Meanwhile, Sinna has been msging me and calling me. All of a sudden, he is being like this. Jus now, he called and asked if things were ok and he actually told me that he misses me. I didnt know what to reply so i just said that i have been pretty busy with shifting and all. He told me that he is booking out later and asked if i had the time to come and meet him. I just said im not sure if i can make it and answered ok for everything and hung up the phone. I felt very disturbed after that.
Even though i feel happy now, some things just keeps coming back and distorts my mind at times.
9:56 AM
Thursday, November 20, 2008
1:23 AM
The past 2 days have pretty much been fun filled. Yesterday was Haruna's 19th birthday and after persuasion, she agreed to get her ass out with me, Shaktee and Rosey. After much change of plans, we finally got ourselves a hotel room to drink and enjoy ourselves. I only drank about 4 cups and was very careful not to get drunk or high as i was going to meet Raj after that. At about 4pm, Siva came over with lunch for me..haha.i was so hungry and i asked him to get me fishball noodles. He can be such a sweetheart at times. I fed Shaktee half and i ate the other half. Following that, we had a mini cake cutting ceremony with me saboing Haruna in the end..haha..the look she gave can never be forgotten in the end..haha..
After that,I was rushing off to meet him. I, Rosey and Shaktee caught a cab to the nearest mrt station, leaving the 2 love birds alone. Rosey went off home and me and Shaktee took the train to Jurong. We were so tired and we were falling asleep in the train. I met him at Boon Lay mrt station and just to mentioned he looked smart in army uniform for some reason. Dont ask me why, i wish i knew..haha..
Today, we both met up at Vivocity to watch the movie Rec, which is the so called Spanish version of the upcoming Quarantine. I hope Hollywood doesnt spoil this remake as well. This movie was really good and im glad that we watched this instead of Quantum of Solace. This movie was pretty freaky at some parts and did i mention, my boyfriend freaked out so much at a particular scene and right after he freaked out, he was hurling vulgarities and i was busy laughing at his reaction.Haiz, wish i had caught that in camera. Haha. In the theatre, he was holding onto my hand so tightly and at that point, i really wished that time would have stopped still. I know that he will not let go of my hand and I know i wont.
After that, we went out of Vivocity to have a look at the Christmas tree which was very tall but extremely beautiful. He was busy snapping pictures of it while i was just admiring the Christmas tree and the lights that was beautifying it. The fact that the guy i love is beside me while im admiring the Christmas tree made the moment more sweeter.
After that he sent me home and went off. Even though we made a deal of just to meet twice a week, apparently its not working for the both of us. Haha. We met almost every day this week..But once i start working and he starts skooling, our lives will get busy and we have got to make time for ourselves to even meet up. Anyways, Kanagaraj i just wish to say this to U :
if i have to choose between loving you, and breathing. I would use my last breath to say I LOVE YOU.
12:38 AM
Monday, November 17, 2008
Today i helped one of Raj's frens get movie tickets for the new Surya movie.. he was gonna catch it with his gf and after getting it for him, i met up with him to pass it to him and he dropped me off at my aunt's place.. During the short car ride, we were talking abt Raj and he was telling me abt wad a nice guy Raj was and all..
It felt nice talking to his fren..Apparently my bf has a nickname called bear cause he goes around bitting people on their birthdays..sort of giving them something to remember on their birthday..haha..
In the evening i went to meet Raj.. i felt like cooking something for him and ended up cooking mee goreng..one of my so called speciality dishes.. apparently my mum ended up adding extra salt and i had to cover it up by adding more vegetables.. it turned out well in the end..haha
It feels really nice cooking for someone u love..and best part is when u see them eat what u cook, u feel the satisfaction that they enjoyed it..I have never cooked for anyone outside my family before and he is the first one..
Things are going very well between me and him.. but nothing is perfect in this world right? And in my life, things just dont seem to go right for long.. Im jus so worried that something may happen between us and things may get screwed up..I know that im thinking too much but i cant help it.. His assuring words jus now made me feel much better but a teeny weeny bit of fear still grips my heart for some reason.. Wadever is it, wadever thats meant to happen will happen..
When i first met him, i liked him.. then i started falling for him..Now im in love with him and the feeling just gets stronger and stronger..and i cant seem to stop myself from falling deeper..
Im just hoping and praying that this happiness lasts long..for a lifetime..
Its my sweet fren Haruna's birthday today.. and i just want to wish her all the best in wadever she does and may she stay healthy and happy always with the cute smile in her lovely face.. I love u Haruna and im lucky to have a fren like u!!
11:56 PM
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Today im stuck at home packing up stuff.. I cant believe im leaving my home in abt 2 wks time.. i have lived here for 11 years and i always thought that my sis and i would get married in this hse.. But i guess my family have started taking things well.. they look more happier now.. my mum no longer whines that much.. my dad doesnt seem to shout that much anymore.. even my sis and i have started talking alot more than usual..haha surprising.. My cousins and aunt are coming over to my place later to help with the packing and after that we are all going for dinner.. Its been very long since we all ate together as one, big family..
The past two days have been filled with alot of sweet and happy moments.. On fri i went to temple with Raj..after that we went to meet his frens and he introduced me to them.. they were really frendly and they made me feel welcomed..after that he accompanied me all the way back home and went off..
Yesterday we both went to catch Madagascar 2 at Bugis.. we were sitted right at the back corner and i was not able to see abit of the screen and had to sit up properly to see the screen. The back seats are suppose to be the so called best seats but apparently in Bugis, they were the worst..
He surprised me with a love letter on Fri.. even though the letter was hurriedly written, his thought to surprise me and the words in it made me feel so special and loved..I felt so touched by after reading the letter and the poem at the end of the letter was so sweet..No one has ever made me feel this special in my life..not even any of my ex boyfrens..no one.. after so long im receiving a love letter.. the last time i got one was when i was 16..
The simplest things he does brings a smile to my face and makes me feel very loved and warm..The more i see him, the more i feel my heart racing when i look at his face..into his eyes..I feel myself getting drawn to him and i cant seem to stop it..
I never knew about happiness, I didnt think that dreams would come true, I didnt believe in love Until I finally met you
Thanks for this lovely poem sweetheart.. You make me feel special and u complete my life..
Things seem to be getting better now.. My family is shifting to my aunt's place and we are most welcome to stay there as long as we want to till we get a new house..I feel much closer to my family now as we are all sticking together to get thru with this.. Raj makes me feel so loved that i feel so gifted... Have a few but wonderful frens..what more can i ask for?
1:16 PM
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Things are starting to seem much better now for some reason.. The hse hunting is still going on without much success.. looks like i have to shift to my Uncle's place which is right beside my block..It like even though i know that i dont have a roof under my head, my family is still sticking together, strongly and that makes me feel better, hoping that things would turn out for the best..
Have started to work on my project which is due on Jan.. Im gonna give my best for this assignment..
And my new added resolution is im never touching alcohol ever again in this lifetime.. had a very bad experience with that jus 2 days ago... even though i wished i could go back in time and never drank or never behaved that way.. somehow the fact that my frens were there for me..worrying abt me.. and the fact that Raj took care of me so well made me feel so lucky that i have such special people in my life..
I didnt expect to find love with Raj.. he is someone very sweet and after that day, i know that he can take care of me..
Am not sure of many things in my life right now.. but somehow i know that i will get thru all this..
12:45 AM
Today was a very fun day..met up wif Raj and we went to Bugis.. he got himself a white long sleeve shirt which was my selection.. i got myself 3 pairs of earrings.. ok i shld seriously stop spending..im in the process of becoming broke..After that we made our way to RP to meet up wif Haruna, Rosey and Shaktee..He wasnt really talking much to them i guess its cos of the whole first time thing.. But i cld see that they were able to get along and seem pretty comfortable wif each other..
After that Raj and I went to Sembawang beach since i desparately wanted to watch stars.. When we got there, the sky was starless much to my disappointment.. In the end, we jus sat there and talked and left arnd 9 plus..
I feel like a much happier person now for some reason.. Wif Raj i can jus be myself..clumsy..annoying..funny..i can be who i am without thinking abt wad he thinks abt me..
Meanwhile have started packing my stuff finally, will be shifting out in 2 wks time.. as the day passes and new yr approaches, am really hoping that things wld turn out well..
Am meeting Raj for movie on Sat.. we are planning to watch madagascar 2..cant wait..
